Bobsledding bonanza in Boulder for brave builders of Java Badassery

Hey big spender! I’ve got tons of data for you. Yeah, I know that’s how you roll. Lot’s and lots of data.

Ok, that was silly, because as I wrote that I totally imagined Jessica Rabbit at a tech convention trying to hire a developer and it made me laugh my bum off. No really, my bum is gone.

Oh I should say, the word bobsledding was chosen because it started with “B”. This job may or may not come with bobsledding, I forgot to ask when our clients asked us to find you.

What I do know is that I have a client that is processing a metric-F ton of data every hour and they need some new Java developers to drive the data trucks up to the mouth of the mine when the last one gets full. The problem is that scheduling these trucks has turned out to be tricky because while I can have a couple trucks concurrently filling up, someone locked their keys in the truck while it was running and accidentally left it in gear (something about they thought it was in park, I guess because it was on a slight hill and wasn’t going anywhere). So anyways, what happened was that the truck started getting filled up and then started running away down the road only half full of data, which caused this big problem because I was expecting to only fill 12 trucks and I had to fill 13 (unlucky numbers and all that), so it threw the whole system out of whack.

Obviously, I am talking about multi-threading, concurrency and other fun stuff that you Java devs do all the time like it’s nothing. But in fact our client is willing to pay you really well for knowing how to do it because they need like 6 awesome people like you that love my little story up there and immediately realized how silly it was that I tried to write a story about lock conditions and run away processes in the context of this job that I’m trying to convince you to apply for. Apply for it!

Are you applying yet?

NoSQL is a buzzword now because everyone is using NoSQL for storing data and accessing it really fast when they need it. Yeah, this job uses it. Knowing how to work with it, or having Patrick Swayze move your hands for you while you work on it, is kind of important with this job but not exactly required. It totally helps, especially if after the Patrick Swayze spectre realizes you’re not the chick from that movie and leaves, that you still know how to work with NoSQL. Seriously, you don’t have to know how to work with it – just be willing to be taught by someone, Swayze or not.

Ok, if that last paragraph didn’t convince you, what’s it going to take?

<awesomeVoice>Algorithms.</awesomeVoice>

Did that work?

People who write open source software totally rock my world, because it means that I don’t have to write the software. I am a dev too, but switched careers to help other devs find jobs. Sounds sappy, but it’s kind of true (more on this later-no, not really). When I don’t have to write the software ┬áit leaves me time to remember an awesome quote by Isaac Newton,

“If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants”

Which of course in a grand sense means that I can do more now to further my quest through the forest of whateverness by using someone else’s code and writing new code on top of that code to do new stuff that is way cooler than the code I used. Yeah, that. Our client does that all the time, because it rocks and means they can innovate and create new awesome stuff without reinventing the wheel every time they want a taco.

OK, so now that you are completely ready to give me your resume I should tell you that this job is in Boulder, CO. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, “I don’t live in Boulder, CO. I live in (fill in the blank).” Well, that’s fine. Once I show my peeps how awesome you are, they’ll help you move. They won’t come to your domicile and pack up your crap into boxes and put it on the truck for you. They are more likely to throw you a few bills so YOU can pack up your crap and put it on a truck. In order to be convinced to do that though, you’ve gotta be this tall to ride:

  • If your career was a malamute, it would be 70 dog-years old and have built Java code it’s whole life instead of staring at the kitchen hoping for a piece of steak to hit the floor.
  • If you could automate your interview process, you would have to build a robot that could take verbal requests for algorithm examples and then draw them on a white board.

You don’t have to build a robot and I hope that your career is not a malamute (if it is, please send us an email how you did that), but you will have to show how you know some stuff and that you can demonstrate it. Otherwise, how are these guys going to know that you know what you know. You know?

Did you just ask me if you could apply for this job? Seriously? I’ve have been trying to convince you this whole time and you waiting till the end to ask? Where did I go wrong? I would have bet money that I had you with “Algorithms” in my awesome voice. Oh well, I guess you can email your resume and a link to your favorite website to matt dot technicalintegrity at com.

The official job description is here if you’d like more info, but you should still send your resume by email to matt dot technicalintegrity at com. Oh and don’t let the word “Senior” scare you off. If you know your [stuff] then apply. Seriously.

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